Do you get a crazy case of “the guilts” when you say no to someone? Even if it’s something you really don’t want to do? Does the bully loop in your head start taunting you with messages like, “you’re not showing your support for the community” or “everyone else will be there” or “you should feel honored that they even asked you”?
Or, does that rarely happen because you find yourself over-yessing in all aspects of your life? That’s what I call it when we consistently say yes to others out of guilt, obligation, fear or the nasty habit of “should-ing” all over ourselves. You know, that ultimate act of self-betrayal where we convince ourselves that we “should” do something that we’re not really passionate about doing at all. Because society or culture or parents or peer pressure or whatever story we’ve been telling ourselves for years.
It’s a chronic condition that can take the best of us down a slippery path of serving everyone else’s agenda but our own. It’s like handing over our power, our most precious currency, on a silver platter. We can never create more time in our lives; we can only maximize what we have by seeing every minute as a powerful choice between what matters and what doesn’t; between who we are being and who we want to become.
As women, so many of us are conditioned to over-please, over-serve and over-commit to others. Suddenly we find that every inch of white space on the calendar of our lives is filled with meetings and activities and “to do’s” that don’t necessarily serve us. All those yeses that turn to regrets the minute the debt comes due. We feel powerless as our own needs and priorities fall into the old holding pattern of neglect, longing for our love and attention.
So, it’s about time that I fess up. I know all of this because I’ve lived it (like crazy). I’m a recovering over-yesser. I spent most of my life, and 26-year corporate career, saying yes to pretty much everyone and everything but my own health and deepest desires. I paid the price again and again — Mayo Clinic-level illness, painful divorce, addictions to food and booze, a wildly successful career and a personal life in shambles. I thought saying no would make me less likable or promotable. Turns out, all it made me was less authentic and fulfilled.
I’ve spent the past two-and-a-half-years practicing the art of turning YESes into NOs in order to become who I really wanted to be: a strong, healthy and inspired soulpreneur with a spacious and conscious life and a role model for authenticity, courage, and purpose.
You can, too.
Next time you’re staring down the barrel of a decision about your valuable time, slow down and breathe deep. Resist the urge to blurt out the knee-jerk YES (been there, done that). Buy yourself time to check-in with your true intentions and ask yourself these questions:
My new mantra is “Say NO for the greater YES. In service of the woman I am becoming and the other women I will inspire.” It keeps me honest about the choices I make in my life — and it inspires me to stay focused on my mission to liberate a billion souls through my coaching work. Feel free to steal shamelessly if it resonates with you. (That’s exactly what I did when I first heard a version of it from my dear friend and fellow coach, Danielle Macleod!)
Saying no is stepping into your power and owning your purpose. It’s not a negative; it’s a resounding positive. For me, it got even easier when I reframed the possibilities and potential:
The real power of no is the opportunity to say yes to you — and to creating what you really want in this one wild and precious life (as Mary Oliver would say).
So what will you start saying NO to today?